this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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