why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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