If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
