Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
