she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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