omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
