i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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