sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
