the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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