Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
