At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
