Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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