After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
