Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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