im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
