I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
