Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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