my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
