the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
