she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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