Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
