I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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