i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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