i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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