dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
