Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
