I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
