My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
