I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
