I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
