what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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