just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
