just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
