Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
