i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Ketchup is God's man juice
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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