Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
