My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
