yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
