I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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