he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
