I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
