The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
