Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
