My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
