Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
