Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
