tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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