they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize