batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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