So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
