my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i love accidental penises.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
