he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
