No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you would pick up someone in the library
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
