I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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