he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
