Umm I'm too high to move.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
