omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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