Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
