Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
