How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
