I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
