Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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