My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize