Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
